Category Archives: Relationships

Build Relationships Physically, Mentally & Spiritually

Sunday, 31 July 2016 03:30
Written by Kevin S. Bemel
0 Comments

3 minutes to read

Back when most of my friends were single they used to tell me about the dreaded “conversation.” You know the one I mean. Rarely did a personal relationship develop at the same rate for both people. So one would ask the other, “Uh, where do you think we’re at?” It was a huge risk. The response usually foretold the end or catapulted the relationship to a new level. As difficult as the “conversation” was at least you could have it with interpersonal relationships. Being that direct in business doesn’t work.

Build RelationshipsPhysically, Mentally & Spiritually

Build Relationships

My business philosophy is it’s better to keep a good client than to have to find a replacement. So while property management and real estate appraising are fairly cookie cutter businesses, I tailored my services to the specific needs of a client. One didn’t trust the US Postal Service with delivering checks. So I hand delivered them myself for several years. Then I transitioned to a messenger service. It cost me a few extra dollars. But such personal service led to the client twice raising my fee without my asking.

Whether you work for a company or run your own the stakes are the same. Your ability to build relationships that deepen over time is more valuable than your hard skills.

Much relationship building can be done on the job. But there’s a limit. Many people are uncomfortable sharing more than pleasantries at the office. Others maintain a work persona as a shield against letting people get too close. You’ll have to spend time outside of work developing strong, enduring relationships.

If you hate doing the “let’s go out after work” thing look for alternatives.

Think Physically, Mentally & Spiritually

What common interest was the basis for your initial connection with someone? Use that as a base and expand from there. If your initial affinity was business consider engaging the person in another aspect of the physical realm or in the mental or spiritual ones.

Some options to try are:

  1. Sports & Recreational Activities. Are you passionate about cross-training? Maybe the person is interested in getting into the box. Is the other person a committed lacrosse player? Try it. You may like it. Ask him what sports he likes. Ask her which recreational activities she’s involved in.
  2. Health. When someone is sick or has a chronic health challenge, your sincere support will be welcome. Periodic emails or better hand written notes can make it easier for them to bear their burden. So can a call or phone message just to let the person know he’s in your thoughts. In cases of serious injury or illness picking up her kids or running an errand will be appreciated.
  3. Learn Together. Do you need some training or a class that the other person could benefit from? Suggest you take it together. Is the person learning about a subject in which you have expertise? Offer to help him.
  4. Hobbies. Passion’s are as varied as people. Want to be my friend? Find me some kosher chocolates. I need 43 more to reach my goal of having tried a 1000. Like with sports & recreational activities, be curious about what the other person likes. You may grow to love stamp collecting because of the bond it created between you and a colleague.
  5. Community Service. I have a friend who took a woman to work at a soup kitchen on their first date. Crazy? She fell in love with and married him. A lot of companies have community service programs.  LinkedIn lists causes a person cares about. Working together to help others creates lasting memories and deep connections.
  6. Family Celebrations. Get together for a holiday. Invite your colleague and her family over for game night with your family. Fancy or simple, it doesn’t matter. Think about when you were single. Would you have liked to spend Thanksgiving with a family rather than home alone? Offer the invitation. She’ll be grateful even if she has plans.
  7. Worship & Bible Study. Are you amazed to see this on the list? Perhaps religion isn’t discussed in your workplace. So be it. But if you reach out with sincere interest in providing someone with an interesting experience, no strings attached, you may be surprised how many people will appreciate it. We are blessed to live in a religiously diverse country. Yet many people seldom have the opportunity to nourish their souls. You can give them the chance.

At this point you may be thinking these are all things you do with your friends. You're right. In the final analysis creating deep, enduring business connections is no different. You may not socialize with colleagues as often as you do with your friends. But to build relationships you still need to engage people in the physical ∞ mental ∞ spiritual realms.

What interests have you shared with others? Please comment below.

Have You Accomplished Your Foremost Duty?

Wednesday, 27 July 2016 03:30
Written by Kevin S. Bemel
0 Comments

2 minutes to read

Parsha [Passage of Scripture] Nugget [Precious Idea] Pinchas – Numbers 25:10-30:1

My wife and I struggle about how to encourage our daughter’s independence.  My parents prodded me toward self-reliance from an early age.  I’m doing the same for Madeleine.  But Melanie gets a lot of satisfaction from taking care of her needs.  And who doesn’t like to be cared for?  At times we confuse Madeleine.  Watching the approach of her ninth year, my influence has become unmistakable. Perhaps our foremost duty, described in Parshas Pinchas, will be fulfilled:

…appoint a man over the assembly. (Numbers/Bamidbar 27:16)

Have You Accomplished Your Foremost Duty-

This Sabbath’s parsha begins with G-d rewarding Pinchas for his zealousness. Then censuses are taken prior to the Israelites entering the Land. Zelophehad’s daughters petition to receive their father’s inheritance.   The laws of inheritance are detailed.   Joshua is appointed as Moses’s successor. Finally the Almighty establishes the offerings brought daily, on the Sabbath, and on holidays.

A Flock Needs a Shepherd

The generation G-d took out of slavery died off. But the younger one still needed guidance. The Children of Israel won’t wander through the wilderness any longer. They must conquer the land. Then they must adjust to a settled, agrarian life.

Such a major transition is difficult. Many new questions will arise. Moses knew he would not be there to answer them. No longer could he delay his foremost duty. He had to find a successor to continue guiding the Israelites.

Moses taught Joshua the son of Nun for years. Having served the great man for so long, Joshua proved his character by not falling prey to the negativity of the spies. He could shoulder spiritual responsibility for the Children of Israel.

Your Foremost Duty in Life

You may not be responsible for the souls of hundreds of thousands of people. But you have a family. You’re responsible for your loved ones spiritual wellbeing even after you’re gone.

It’s easy to pass along material wealth. A will or trust will distribute your physical property according to your wishes. What about your accumulated knowledge and wisdom? What will happen to it?

Children no longer spend decades serving their parents and learning at their feet the way Joshua did Moses. But that does not relieve you from making every effort at seeing they benefit from what you have learned in your life. Presumably during their childhood and teen years you passed on many lessons. Hopefully they took them to heart.

Imagine the impact on Joshua of Moses learning he not would be leading the Israelites into the land. His trusted mentor would die soon. At that moment, Joshua received the legacy. He would fulfill the Almighty’s directive to bring the people to the land.

You can have a similar effect on your children. Show them spiritual matters are at least as important as monetary ones. Whether they’re adults or still young, double down now on what you’ve done in the past. Consistently reach out to them. Demonstrate how to pursue a well-lived life. Write an ethical will. Give it equal importance to your property division. Nothing less than their future depends on it.

What have you planned to ensure your foremost duty is fulfilled? Please comment below.

 

Every year beginning on Simchas Torah, the cycle of reading the Torah, the first five books of the Bible, ends and begins again. Each Sabbath a portion known as a sedra or parsha is read. It is named after the first significant word or two with which this weekly reading begins.

What verse in the Old Testament would you like to know more about? Ask a question and I will answer it in a future Parsha Nugget!

How to Go from Contact to Relationship

Sunday, 24 July 2016 03:30
Written by Kevin S. Bemel
0 Comments

2 minutes to read

Networking may be the most frustrating part of finding a job and building a business. First you have to muster the courage to go to a meeting of strangers. Then you have to figure out how to approach them. Next you have to get a card or information so you can follow up later. Finally you have to follow up and create a relationship. If you feel overwhelmed read on. I’m going to simplify this process.

How to Go from Connection to Relationship

Be Selective

Everything you want in your life will come from relationships. Professional success, emotional wellbeing, and spiritual growth come from them. The more and better connections you have the happier you will be. But there are limits. Most people can maintain about 150 relationships. That may sounds like a lot. Still, you need to be intentional about the people in whom you invest time, energy, and emotion.

We tend to think of networking groups and meetings as being the best place to make connections. But that may not be true. Any situation where you organically meet new people is likely to be a better place to make new contacts. Social situations, classes, even church create a natural basis for rapport.

All good relationships, personal and business, are based on affinity and common values.

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Look for people you like and sense a bond with. And if your gut says something’s wrong trust it.

Building the Relationship

I always figure you might as well approach life like everybody’s your friend or nobody is; don’t make much difference. ∞ Kevin Kline as Paden in Silverado

Unless you’re content to keep your connection at Facebook friends level you’ll need to set a foundation for greater depth. The building blocks are mutual trust and service.

No association gets beyond the acquaintance stage until both people feel they can trust each other. Some people offer you trust right away. It’s yours to lose. Others trust in stages. You’ll have to figure out into which mode you fall. It can be frustrating establishing trust when modes don’t match. But it may be worth it. In any event, the process will work better if you are aware of this dynamic.

Building and maintaining trust comes from helping the other person. I don’t necessarily mean by convincing them to buy what you’re selling. That may be appropriate if what you’ve got will really help the person. But you’ll want relationships with people besides customers.

Be curious about the person’s life and business. What challenges does he or she face? What resources or contacts do you have that can help? Think about how you can provide the means for success. Most importantly, give without an expectation of return. If you expect reciprocation every time you help you’re not building a relationship. You’re just contracting a series of debts. Most people don’t like feeling obligated. As a result you won’t create mutual trust.

The process may sound lengthy. In some case it will take time. But often you can move from contact to relationship in a matter of a few days or weeks. You’ve probably done it before, albeit not intentionally.

While I’ve focused on business relationships, all the above is true for personal relationships. Other factors may impact whom you choose for a spouse and friends. But fundamental to a marriage and companions is mutual trust and selfless service.

How have you built trust in your relationships? Please comment below.

How to Gain Influence with More People

Sunday, 10 July 2016 03:30
Written by Kevin S. Bemel
0 Comments

2 minutes to read

While running earlier today, up ahead two women were exercising. One was dressed in what can only be described as practically nothing. So they couldn’t accuse me of leering I looked away as I ran past them. To my chagrin, the other made a disparaging remark about me. Evidently they wanted to be ogled. How’s a guy to know?

How to Gain Influence with More People

Immodesty Makes Cordiality Impossible

I believe modesty is a virtue. It applies to dress, language, and behavior. Having said this, I recognize many Americans don’t share this value. Case in point, I rendered military honors at four funerals last week. At all of them young women wore short sleeveless black dresses. I don’t make the club scene these days. So the last time I saw such dresses was at a navy Christmas party. There’s a difference between the festivity of a celebration and the solemnity of a funeral that necessitates different standards of dress. But such a distinction doesn’t exist today.

Nor do they for speech and public behavior. Those of us who embrace modesty have to accept many of our fellow citizens don’t. So be it.

But simple justice demands we not be denigrated for prizing modesty. How is a man to know when a scantily clad woman wants to be checked out? Why is someone who doesn’t use profanity a prude? What is gained by condemning someone who refuses to turn a discussion into a verbal brawl?

To Gain Influence Create a Relationship

Differing attitudes toward modesty have resulted in greater friction between people. And that makes maintaining relationships more difficult.

Recently I read a story about a pastor. Young women were coming to church services in thigh high stockings and short skirts. He felt they looked like prostitutes. He considered speaking against such behavior from the pulpit. Wisely he realized doing so would be counterproductive. The women would have rejected the label. And he would have destroyed any chance of creating relationships through which he could influence them.

Differences in values can be tolerated. But couple them with arrogance and the situation becomes intolerable.

There are three steps to gain influence with more people:

  1. Be clear about your values. That doesn’t mean flouting your beliefs in other people’s faces. Clarity comes from within.
  2. Live your values. If what you believe is worthwhile, make it evident from your behavior.
  3. Cherish relationships over self-righteousness. Until people know you care about them as individuals they won’t trust your opinions.

One of the most influential men I know prizes modesty. He never even shakes hands with women. The hundreds of people who attend his lectures do not share his value of modesty. But rather than avoiding him like the plague they seek him out. How has he built such a large and loyal following? He followed the three steps.

Whatever you want to accomplish will come from convincing people to help you. In your work, with your family, among your friends, build strong ties. Having set the foundation, you’ll be able to influence them. They will know you’ve invested in understanding them. Seeing the quality of your life will encourage them to seek out its roots. And you’ll be there to help them.

Where are you action turning good advice bad? Please comment below.

When Will You Stop Giving Your Kids Bad Advice?

Sunday, 03 July 2016 03:30
Written by Kevin S. Bemel
0 Comments

2 minutes to read

Thank goodness school is out for the summer. My daughter had a spelling test every week. She also had tests on Scripture several times a month. She’s only in second grade. But she did two to three hours of homework most afternoons. And she complained. “Daddy, why do I have to do so much homework?” “Daddy, I hate taking tests!” Recently I realized how much bad advice I’ve been giving her on this topic.

When Will You Stop Giving Your Kids Bad Advice-

Words, Words, Words

I find my daughter’s complaints hard to understand. I loved school. Even tests were cool. They let me show my teacher how dedicated a student I was. Math was my specialty. I always found a second way to do a problem and verify the answer was right!

My advice to her fell into two categories:

  1. Exams help you understand what you know and what still needs work. It’s nice to get high marks. More important is identifying the questions that don’t make sense. In this way you build knowledge.
  2. The tests you’re taking now are easier than ones you’ll take later in life. Your studies only get more difficult. And unlike math, most of the time you won’t be able to check your work. Correct answers become illusive.

On their face, both are sound. Yet she never seemed to buy them. Relieved of the daily homework grind, I’ve had time to reflect. Here’s the thing. Just because we’re out of school doesn’t mean we don’t take tests anymore.

Truth is, I complain about tests more than she does.

Turning Good Advice Into Bad Advice

“I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.” ∞ Lewis Carroll

Aside from a couple I took while earning a Masters in Library and Information Science, I don’t take sit-down examinations. But life tests me everyday. When my wife gets home we talk about our days. She relates to me the challenging (read stupid) ways people handle their health issues. I tell her about the problems I face with my business and the navy. It’s the kind of harmless chitchat that goes on in most homes.

In reality it’s not so harmless. From my daughter’s perspective, the challenges my wife and I face are adult versions of the tests she takes in school. If we complain about ours why shouldn’t she do the same about hers? Nothing like mismatched words and actions for turning good into bad advice.

If my daughter understood the context it wouldn’t be so bad. We want her to get the most benefit from the tests she takes. In that light, if we’re just blowing off steam we need to make sure she knows that’s what’s going on. Otherwise, our conversations about work need to focus on how we can improve based on overcoming the challenges we mention.

Parents have to match words and deeds. But some behaviors are so ingrained you may not realize you’re acting incongruently. Look for where your kids aren’t taking your advice. You’ll find fertile ground for keeping your good advice from turning into bad advice.

Where are you action turning good advice bad? Please comment below.

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