Category Archives: Relationships

3 minutes to read

Over the last three weeks, I’ve covered whom you should connect with and the basic building blocks of relationships. Now it’s time to deal with where and how to make the initial connection. You may be wondering why I saved the first step for last. Ah ha, read on…

The Facebook Syndrome

At the risk of being sent to social media prison, most of the people you’re connected to on social media are not friends. In fact, until the advent of Facebook people understood a friend was someone with whom you had an actual relationship. LinkedIn is honest about it. It calls them connections.

Think about all the people you know. With how many do you have a real bond? I couldn’t find any statistics, but I bet it’s not more than 10% to 20%. Herein lies the challenge. You’re not going to create relationships with most of the people you meet. What’s more, no matter how targeted you are, you cannot control the other person’s response. You may be willing to put a lot of effort into forming a bond. But if the other person isn’t interested or sees no value your commitment probably won’t change his mind.

Finding people with whom to build solid, mutually beneficial relationships is an iterative process. You’ll have to make some connections. Then you’ll have to test them out a little bit. For many reasons most won’t be open to your overture. You’ll have to endure the rejection. Move on and keep searching.

Building relationships is challenging. Prospecting to find the right people is harder.

3 Simple Ways to Connect

Now do you see why I waited until now to address this step? Like most important undertakings that lead to success, finding the right connections will be frustrating. You know the benefit of having strong relationships. You know how to create them. With those two foundations, you can motivate yourself to do the hard work.

Here are three ways to connect with people. Try out one of them and see if it works for you. If not, move on to the next one. Think in terms of how comfortable you are with the process. Don’t worry about results at first. If you like the manner of connecting you’re more likely to continue using it until you find the right people with whom to build relationships.

1. Social Media. No surprise, right? Here’s the key. Focus on one social media platform. I maintain a presence on Facebook, LinkedIn, and Google+, but Twitter is my main focus. It’s a writer’s medium. I love the challenge of being meaningful and concise. Almost everyone I want to connect with professionally is there so I just have to catch someone’s eye. Play around with different platforms. Find one that’s fun. Then find the people you want to connect with on it. Send them a message. Contact them regularly. If they respond, fantastic! Now, build an actual relationship. If not, press on.
2. Community Service. Before I joined the navy I was involved in philanthropy. I volunteered to fundraise, provide programming, and serve as an officer of groups whose missions I believed in. As a result, I met hundreds of people and created many solid relationships. Find an organization you want to support. Make sure it’s large enough that you’ll meet a lot of people or has as its mission delivering value to the kind of people you want to meet. I joined the Real Estate Division of the Jewish Federation because I wanted to give back to my community. In exchange, I connected with some of the most successful people in the business. Nothing mercenary here. You can do good for yourself while doing good for others. It has to be mutually beneficial.
3. House of Worship. What better place is there to find people with whom you share similar values? Yes, I know. Not everyone is a saint. But that doesn’t matter. You’re looking to sift through the hundreds or dozens to find the few with whom you’ll build a solid relationship. One of the best parts is most congregations have social events on a regular basis so all you’ll have to do is show up. Maybe you’ll have to bring a hot dish but that’s a small price to pay. Do you attend a small church? Consider looking for somewhere bigger. I understand you may feel uncomfortable. That’s a good reason to do it. Most of the best connections you’ll make will be outside your comfort zone.

Now you need to take action. No new connection was ever made through osmosis. No productive relationship ever came into being without effort. Everything you want in life hinges on working with other people. Who are they? Where are they? You have the tools to answer these questions. Go use them.

Where have you found is the best place for making connections? Please comment below.

3 minutes to read

How is creating a relationship like choosing a piece of fruit? You have to be careful not to choose a rotten one. The last two weeks I wrote about the effort it takes to build connections into relationships. You’ll waste a lot of time and energy if you end up associating with the wrong people. What good will working to make contacts with actors do you if your business is construction? It may be exciting to know them. But most successful ones have people who take care of their financial lives. If your goal is to be the contractor to the stars seek to establish relationships with accountants and business managers.

In What Ecosystems Do You Operate?

Randomly choosing people to connect with is as bad as targeting the wrong people. In both cases you’re relying on luck to get you to your goals. You may get fortunate once in a while. But as all the luxury hotels in Las Vegas prove, gamblers lose in the end. It may sound mercenary. But you’ll have to be intentional about choosing with whom you’ll connect.

The first questions you must answer relate to the example. What is your goal? For example, if you’re looking for a job or to change careers what’s your area of interest? Be specific. You may want to be involved in electronics. But that’s a huge industry with dozens of major sub-fields that have sub-fields. As well, do you want to be in sales, support, research & development, management, or another area?

What goals do you have for family life, lifelong learning, and spiritual growth?

All these help define the ecosystems in which you want to operate. Ecosystem is a word I borrowed from Judy Robinette to describe one of the major areas of life. Examples include the military, business, industry, academia, community, government, and family & friends. Your first task is to figure out the ecosystems relevant to your life. My primary ones are family & friends, business, military, and academia. I recommend you choose three or four to focus on.

Once you’ve determined your ecosystems, examine your existing relationships. Are they spread out among all your ecosystems? How strong are these connections? How many people are far enough ahead of you to provide solid mentorship? Who among them can you guide? Have a balance of people in your ecosystems and in their stage of life.

Create Relationships in the Gaps

Where are there gaps?

Do you have an ecosystem with few or no people in it? No problem. Having identified it you can find people to fill it. Last week I showed you several ways to build stronger relationships. You can find people to connect with at many of those same places. (I’ll address this next week too.) Now the challenge is to determine how to choose.

Here are some basic criteria to use:

1. Shared Values. Nothing but an acquaintanceship or exploitative situation can endure without commonality of values. You must have compatible standards and principles with business associates, friends, and especially your spouse. They are the basis for mutual trust.
2. Willingness to Mutually Serve. Long-lasting relationships come from two people helping each other. While rarely will the ledger be balanced, both parties have to be committed to service.
3. Direction for Future Growth. If you’re looking to beef up your professional life don’t connect with people close to retirement. Unless someone will maintain huge influence in your industry after leaving it, fruitful ground lies elsewhere.
4. Your Gut Says Yes. This is a Judy-factor. I couldn’t agree with her more. If your internal alarm goes off move on. Life is too short to have to deal with liars, egotists, and deceivers.

You made decide to add more factors to your list but keep it simple. Notice I did not include similar interests or politics. Different passions give a relationship direction for growth. Politics and political affiliation are unimportant when compared to common values. (The exception is when choosing a spouse. Mixed marriages often are a recipe for divorce.)

You have limited capacity for creating durable, mutually beneficial relationships. Filling your time up dealing with takers or corrupt people saps your energy and can make you antisocial. Rather be intentional about the people you interact with. Create relationships that can nourish you while assisting in your success.

How do you choose whom to spend time with? Please comment below.